Forgiveness; is more than saying sorry.

So... I totally feel stupid that my thoughts keep coming back to this stupid blog from when I was 15. And I keep coming to revisit this page since stumbling upon it. As written about briefly in the last post, life hasn't been too peachy in the past 2 years. There's been many challenges and I have been completely overcome with anger. My knuckles have been permanently white from gripping to the betrayal and grief of my sister in law leaving my family and bluntly, shitting on our lives. Yikes, that was intense. In the past, I've covered the pain with indifference with a "whatever, it doesn't bother me" type of attitude or humor. Hence, why I named this post after a quote from the movie "Just Friends".... Where that crazy celebrity Samantha is drugged up eating toothpaste. And later writes an awful song about Forgiveness. Ya that. Anywho. I thought I should just write for the record. That through the Lord and his faithful, I have dealt with the hurt and the feelings. Whoop. Not that it was easy but it was more than necessary. I was so sick and tired of being pissed off all the time and those feelings poured over into every other part of my life. I didn't want to be someone completely consumed with hate and anger; it's not who I am. After meeting with a pastor/counselor, I was given active tools to work toward forgiveness. The thing that blew my mind and was something I've never known before was the difference between Forgiveness and Reconciliation. Forgiveness is more about me and it is a choice. I forgive because I don't want to carry this feelings anymore and I forgive because I believe what God says about you. That you are precious and honored in His sight; just like I am. I am just in need of forgiveness as my sister in law is. Forgiveness is a choice. Because I choose to forgive and believe the things God says about you even though my feelings don't align. Because my feelings still are hurt and my feelings are still confused. And as time goes on, God will heal my heart and I will continue to believe the things God says about you. Reconciliation is about her. She doesn't show me safe behavior to reconcile with her. She hasn't shown me that I can trust her again and she hasn't given me a reason to believe a word she says. Lots of people forgive but not every reconciles, and that's okay. I am okay if I don't reconcile because my heart has been made right because of forgiveness. So I got the tools right. I had everything figured out. I realized how I felt and I had the tools to understand what my heart was feeling. Working through the forgiveness and letting God heal me. Next step was to purge. YIKES. Purge: to get rid of all the things that were my sister in law's and to notify her of my choice to forgive. This was the scary part. I had a few things left over from when she was in the family and this was the time when I would give them back... to her... and at the same time, tell her I have forgiven her.... So.. in my typical indifference. One morning was all calm and like "hey, I should really take this stuff to her house... no biggie." As the day went on, I felt so nauseous and nervous. Then the time came, and as I drove to her house, I began shaking and felt like throwing up. I knew if I turned around, I would regret it. This was a strong time when I'm talking to God. "God, this is real. Give me the peace and the strength to do this. And PLEASE, don't let her come out on the porch. I've trusted you and that just wouldn't be cool." And then I ran through the neighbors yard to get to her front porch and I put everything on her doorstep with a note saying my forgiveness and I left. There was definitely more build up then needed; I know. But then it hit me. This is it. This is the last goodbye and my heart won't visit this anymore. And with that, came tears that wouldn't stop. I had to say goodbye to the sister I thought I had, the friend who was there for me but was all a farce in the end. I had to say goodbye to the first nephew who made me an auntie. As I cried all the way to McDonalds, I exhaled a deep breath and inhaled a large fries and an iced coffee like a classy lady. There's the awkward humor again. But in reality, as sad as it was, it was finally over. It had been a couple years of intense sorrow. Now, gone and though it was a rough day, it was a good day. And there God was. He was present in the good, present in the very ugly, and present in the healing.