Looking Back: makes you laugh, makes you cry.

This seriously is too funny. I found my blog that I made when I was in grade 10.... this is 6 years ago. I was 15; insecure, a new christian, liked boys but had no idea what I was doing and I was just too awkward to function. Now, I'm 22; still insecure sometimes, still devoted to the God who captivated my heart, married to the love of my life and still awkward. I read these entries I wrote and my heart cries for my younger self. If only you knew Erica... if only you knew how beautiful you were; you didn't need anyone's approval. If they didn't like you, you don't need those people in your life. If only you knew that the boy that was waiting for you when you were 16 (not long after you stopped writing entries), the boy you prayed to God you would meet, would sweep you up and 5 years later, make you his wife. If only you knew, that God is a loving God, not one to hide his face from you. Not one that you need to earn his favor. Young Erica, you are a virtue of your own kind. I still laugh at your craziness; the crazy shit you did. So innocent and such zest for life. I'm sure if you knew my story, your heart too would cry. Life hasn't been easy. It has been hard; very hard. There were boys who tried to use me. Insecurity knocked on my heart's door far too many times. Friends has come and gone. I opened my heart to people who entered my life: a sister and her son captivated me. Oh and I was so excited. A sister and a nephew. But as soon as I got used to the idea it was taken away or rather walked away. My brother struggled with drug use and was in rehab. My heart has been broken. It's been stomped on. I've been so angry. I continue to hold onto this rage inside of me. Slowly, I am letting it go but its just been a year full of hurt. But this is the truth: as shitty and hard as life has been or can be, the joy is even greater. There is no pit so deep that God's love isn't deeper still. Through the darkness of life, God is such a radiant light. He is the reason I am still here and the reason I haven't completely lost it on people. Emotional rage is a thing. Where there are valleys, there are mountains. And my mountains have been great. I married my love; and there hasn't been anything more amazing in the entire world. There is no comparison to the relationship between a man and his wife; experiencing and growing in this relationship continues to blow my mind. I have also continued returning to the Mexican village I always wrote about. Bugambilias will always have my heart and that continues to grow every time I go there. I have friends who have given me a whole 'notha level of friendship. They have held my heart when everything else is falling apart and they are seriously anointed. ;) A part of this I want to convince myself of (15 year old me & 22 year old me): I am beautiful. There is no flaw in me. I deserve love and respect. I don't need people in my life who don't agree with that. I don't need to tiptoe around peoples expectations of me. I wasn't created to be defeated, insecure or overcome with anger. I was created to be victorious through Christ. Don't second guess your heart; if you align your heart with the word of God, your heart will never lead you astray. This been a slice and I'm sure the Lord has all kinds of crazy things planned for me, and if it's anything like what has happened in my life thus far, I look forward to the mountains and even the valleys. Erica xoxo